Welp. Just one more day. I can’t help but sit here and think about the progress I have made over the length of the semester.
Today’s first class had their tournament play for Gaelic football. There were a few students missing so I moved one student from a team to another. Well, there was one student who wasn’t happy with that decision. That student absolutely refused to play. I told him, “All semester I have been doing everything that you wanted. Just because I move a person off your team doesn’t mean you can’t participate. You can’t always get what you want, but you can still play. It’s not like it’s the end of the world.” He still refused to play and sat out the whole class period. Everyone else did really well. They were engaged in the game. The winning team got to choose from the prize bag and they were pretty happy about that. I was surprised that the journals and planners were the first to go. I thought they would choose the games and toys.
The second class was also to do their tournament play today, but I made the executive decision to not have them do so. The gym was taken up by the talent show and my colleague’s class was on the other half of the outside courts. We didn’t have enough room on the basketball courts to hold our tournament. My colleague and I just combined our classes and allowed the students to have a free day. It went pretty well with both of us there and allowing the kids to interact with the other class. Our only stipulation was that they remain active. They couldn’t sit or stand around. Of course, I had to remind a few students to keep moving, but other than that it was a pretty good class.
The weather got really bad outside in the afternoon so we couldn’t take the kids out, but the gym was also overtaken by the talent show so we had nowhere to go with the kids. We just had the third class sit in and watch the talent show with the rest of the student body. It was nice to see the students get up in front of their peers and classmates and showcase their talents. It takes a lot of courage to do so, especially at this age when others are so judgmental about everything.
Today was a really laid back day and one in which I got to really think about and reminisce about where I started and where I am now. I am excited about the progress I have made as a professional and a teacher, but I know that there is still so much more to learn.
Just a little flash back to where I began. I get off my bike. It’s 7:49 in the morning. I push my hands out of my jacket and unbuckle my helmet strap. It was a chilled morning. My face was red, my hands were stinging and I could see my own breath. I finished locking up my bike and putting things in my backpack. I was worried if my hair was messed up from the helmet. I begin to walk along the side walk. It was just a short walk from where I parked my bike. Thousands of things run through my mind. Will I like this? What will it be like? What if I can’t do this? Will I be successful? What if I forget everything? Am I cut out for this? Am I prepared? What will we be doing today? And the list goes on and on. I imagine other people in my situation have asked themselves these questions as well, so I am not the only one.
It’s my first day of student teaching. I am nervous as all get out. I begin to doubt myself even before I walk through the door. I stare at the two big brown portals that symbolize my entrance into a whole new part of life. They stare back at me relentlessly, almost mocking my standing there. It’s teasing me to pull on its handle all the while saying that as soon as I enter, there is no going back. I take a big breath as I pull on the handle. It almost seemed like I was holding my breath and hanging on for life.
I pull. The door is locked. Maybe it’s a sign to turn around and forget about it. I could almost hear those doors laughing and saying “Just go ahead and walk away. That’s the easy thing to do.” I firmly stood my ground knowing that there really is no option to turn around and walk away. There is no way I am quitting now. I haven’t worked this hard for the past three and a half years in college and twelve years in elementary, middle, and high school. I did not put up with all the ridicule and criticism to stop now. It would just give all those people who said I couldn’t do it even more fuel to the fire. I didn’t go through all the bullying in school and drama of college to quit before I am finished. Plus, I don’t want to disappoint those who have helped tremendously in my being at this moment right now.
Once again, I take a deep breath before I plunge into the unknown. I pull the other door handle and it invitingly welcomes me in. I am met with this new rush of excitement and doubt. Will I be the teacher everyone expects me to be? Will I be the teacher these children need to develop the skills and knowledge to be active for a lifetime? I now have two options: let all that doubt cloud my vision and I won’t be the teacher those students need me to be or I can close my eyes, take a deep breath and walk down the hall that awaits my future.
Will I like this? Yes, I did enjoy myself. This is one of the better, if not thee best learning experience I have ever had. There was a great learning curve that occurred within me this semester and I can’t imagine going back to what I was before. I am still inexperienced, but I think I have made leaps and bounds compared to where I started.
What will it be like? It was frustrating and satisfying; stressful and fun; testing but yet rewarding; demanding but yet all worthwhile. The experience was awesome. I loved working with the students and children of different backgrounds. I loved being able to act like them during my lessons and I think that they really enjoyed me being animated. It helped them to get into the tasks themselves and showed them that it’s okay to enjoy yourself. I loved interacting with the kids and being able to enjoy my time with them. I learned so much from them and I can only hope they learned just as much from me.
What if I can’t do this? I did do it. I did make it through. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. Of course there were some rough patches, but with everything in life, those will exist. Yes, there were days in which I didn’t want to go in and days in which I just felt like I didn’t want to “deal” with the kids because I was too busy dealing with myself. Teaching is a profession that I would compare to a lesser scale of parenthood. It is a profession in which we have to be willing to give of ourselves for the greater good of the kids. We can’t think it’s all about us and what we do because ultimately it will be about the kids. Is what we are doing helping our students to become better students and individuals? Are they learning what needs to be learned? My focus should be more upon those students than it should be about me.
Will I be successful? I think it is very hard to come into teaching and not be successful in some way. In some ways, I believe I was successful, but I also believe that there is great deal that I still need to learn to better myself, better my knowledge, and to better my teaching. You come into student teaching
What if I forget everything? It is almost impossible to forget everything. Yes, there were a few things that took some time to refresh upon, but you just can’t forget everything. As in all things, you just need practice. You just need to get into teaching and the information and techniques will start coming back to you.
Am I cut out for this? Am I prepared? I was more than prepared. I was and have been readying myself for this all of my life. Everything that I have done before was just a foundation to where I am at now. I have been constantly building upon the experiences and the learning situations to get me to this point. All of my education, all of my time, all of my everything was leading up to this position. I doubt myself all of the time. Will I be the teacher I know I can be? I want to be the teacher that students remember whenever they graduate from high school. I had those kinds of teachers and I am still pretty close to them to this day. I want to be the same for my students. I want to be the one where the students can say, “She made a difference in my life. She helped me be who I am.” I just want to be so successful sometimes that it hurts. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach and in the midst of my throat that sometimes I feel like I am choking on it. What will it take for me to realize this? I know I don’t have to be the best in the field, but I want to be the best for my students. I guess you can just say I am scared of what will be. I am afraid about how things will turn out. I am afraid of all the unknown things that I am not in control of that makes me begin to doubt myself. All of that doubt is just fodder for the fear. As I reflect upon it now, it was unnecessary. However, as I think about the future and where it will take me and if I will be successful in my next teaching position, I can’t help but be scared. It’s just a natural thing.
I know that there is so much more that I need to learn to become a really good teacher. I will always have room to grow, that is no doubt, but there was so much that I learned in this process. I learned what to do, what not to do, and what I can do better next time. I am so glad that I didn’t listen to those doubts that I had at the beginning of this semester because I am so happy at where I am right now.
Until tomorrow!
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